Some of us need alarm clocks and some are so programmed, the internal alarm does the trick. I never can completely rely on myself to just get up in the morning, and I do not necessarily always depend on the good old alarm clock…or for some the phone, but I can ALWAYS depend on my alarm cat. Not one, not two, but at least four. The fifth cat saves her morning awakening for yoga with me in the basement. Alarm cats rely on various tactics. If you yourself have a cat, or two, or five like me…you can relate to these numerous cat strategies.
Cat Tactic #1 – The Sleeper Hold
This is just to kick off what you think is going to be a restful night of sleep. They find the perfect spot on your exhausted body and commence using a deep hypnotic purr. Often, so loud, you would think they are going to start to vibrate. The purr does not only serve as a devious method of tranquilizing you; but is also equipped with a heating mechanism. Trust me, the heating component is great if you are freezing, but for many women of a certain age…or having “WOMENTS,” this isn’t the case at night. Waking up soaked from sweat, the cat has succeeded in phase one of moving the human being.
Cat Tactic #2 – Adjusting The Human
No sleeping cat is happy unless they have found THEIR ideal nesting spot. Now that you are stirring from being roasted by a tiny little cat oven, they need to strategically position said person to officially get a solid 2 to 3 hours out of their 18 hour daily-rest. This is only possible if they have you exactly where they want you. My most devious three-legged tuxedo cat Oreo has perfected this strategy. Don’t let your cats read this to get any tips. He starts with a sweet little purr chirp directly in my ear, then does it over, and over, and over again until I finally blink my eyes. Fighting the urge to wake up and trying to ignore him, he decides to use his three tiny legs to forcefully poke them through my body until I roll over. But that is not it. If my arm is not free from his perfect curl-up zone, he slowly and deliberately sinks his tooth into the problematic limb, just enough to make me flinch, but not break the skin. Does the trick every time, I straighten my arm out, he rolls into a perfect ball against my side and of course…I must also cover him with the blanket.
Cat Tactic #3 – Wakey Wakey
There is no sleeping in when a cat is hungry. The progression of aggressiveness is deliberate and tends to work every time! Stage 1: First is the gentle purr, but this usually has adverse effects on the sleeping humans. They are drifting off again…Hmmm, not working. Stage 2: How about a wet nose gently rubbing into the human’s nose? Nope, just makes the people swat at the cat. If they move their hand slowly, the cat can also be crafty enough to slide a body under the person’s hand for some much needed petting. Petting also leads to adverse effects of lowering blood pressure and soothing, not working. Time to get more aggressive. Stage 3: Desperate times call for desperate measures. It is a fact that most people have a full bladder in the morning. How about a nice bladder massage? If a cat puts their mind to it, they have a magical power of making a 10-pound body feel like fifty pounds of pressure. Ah ha! Starting to move. Success! The person is up and moving to the bathroom. The cat signal goes out to the other felines in the house…I repeat, human is awake and moving to bathroom.
Cat Tactic #4: Do Not Forget the Cat
They are there for every step of the way to the bathroom, the strategy is to keep you from returning to bed, so what do we do? We help you pee! Rubbing on one’s legs and purring, meowing, anything it takes while taking care of business will assure the human is officially up. The deliberate walk toward the empty food dish is sure to keep the person moving.
Cat Tactic #5: Who Are You?
Ah yes, they have officially been fed and the person has moved on to making coffee. Oh wait, the cat needs to go to sleep after eating…. See you later person, I am going back to bed now.
